Not the best News*

We went to the doctor yesterday hoping that I would be able to go back to "normal" life (aka being busy) but the appointment did not go as we expected. I knew that I wouldn't be completely off of bedrest but I knew that there would be progress since last weeks appointment. But as the doctor was doing the ultra-sound he found that the blood sac had gotten bigger. The tone in his voice made me assume that he was surprised by how it got bigger. He said that this could lead to a miscarriage. He said that usually he sees these things get smaller and eventually it becomes a normal pregnancy. But in my case the blood sac got bigger. I was a little stunned because I did not expect things to be worse, I knew they would be better. I am a little confused yet again as to what is going on inside my body. The doctor said more bed rest and just taking it easy, to not do anything that I don't need to do.

What makes this hard to grasp is that there is no information on this. Everything we read about "extra choronic bleeding" does not have a lot to say about it except for that you have to wait and see what happens. And there is no procedure or steps you take to insure that everything will turn out normal. What worries me is how big the sac is. One of the sites said that if the sac is 50% the size of the placenta then that is not good. Well, the blood that is pooled in my body is bigger then the placenta with the baby in it.

I really do not know what to think anymore. I know everything is going to be fine because God is in control. I know he will protect my baby, whether that means living in this world or living with Him. I just have to wait on the Lord. I literally have to trust Him, because I cannot do anything about what is going on inside of me. There is no need to worry, I will only stress myself out if I worry about it. But I am left with a feeling of being unsure. Although I need to rise up and be confident in what God has in store for us.

The left big black spot is all the blood.

The right big black spot is the placenta and the white spot inside of it is the baby.

We will have to trust in the Lord and see what happens.

:)

the Cliche Martha vs Mary*

This month our church is reading through the book of Luke. Of course I am behind on the daily reading plan but since I have had all the time in the world with not being able to do anything, I have had the time to read. I was reading along and came upon the story of Mary and Martha. I kinda read through it really fast because I have read it so many times and heard different sermons on it. I paused and went back over it again, reading it slowly and felt like there was something God wanted me to learn from it.

Well, the last couple of days I have let myself be overcome with depression, I have had the hardest time not being able to do things. I have had a pretty bad attitude. It's been stressful to me that I cannot go on with the things that I have had planned in the week because I have to sit there and do nothing. I have let myself get overwhelmed that I couldn't ring the bell for the salvation army. I couldn't dance for a song that our pastor wanted to do at church. I couldn't go to our wednesday night generation church. And I can't technically finish my Christmas shopping because I can't be walking around anywhere. I had to stop training for this half-marathon. I wanted to do all these things, I was excited about them. I feel significant in God's kingdom because I am doing these things.

UGH! This is where the Mary and Martha story comes in. I actually really don't like hearing about this story anymore because I have heard it so many times. But I think I have missed the point the every time I have heard it previously. This is what caught me off guard, Jesus tells Martha after she is frustrated that Mary isn't helping her do things, "Mary has chosen what is BETTER, and it will not be taken away from her." -Luke 10:42

Mary chose Jesus.

Mary chose Jesus. Martha chose...well not Jesus. She chose the work. She was mad because she felt like she had so much to do and probably felt fulfilled from doing all those things "for" Jesus. Well....Michelle how can you do all these things for Jesus if you never sit at his feet. All those things do not matter if my relationship with Jesus sucks!

Shelden and I went to our meeting for Pastoral and Apprentices and the church staff. I love hanging out with that group! They are amazing people who just love Jesus and obey Him. We had a Christmas party and at the end of the night we went around and said what we were thankful for/what God has done this past year. I honestly felt like I had nothing really significant. I mean yes, we had a beautiful baby and help out with generation church, Shelden has a great fulltime job and we are in escrow. I am so very thankful for those things, but I just had a sinking feeling. We are in this room with some amazing people who lay their everyday life down for others. Most of them have foster kids living in their home, work fulltime jobs and do fulltime ministry. Most of them had awesome stories about how family members came to the Lord or how they have seen so much growth from couples they have pastored. I felt like I have missed "it" this year. I feel like I have only given my 60% and have been able to get by. Yes, there has been a lot going on with us and it has been a year of tranistions and changes. But I feel like there is so much more in us. No, I wouldn't be able to do more on my own. But that is the point, I have been living my life like Martha, caught up in the "doing stuff" part. Man, I just need to sit at the feet of Jesus...every-single-day!

I am humbled by the fact that we are still on the apprentice team at church. I have missed the point of being in a relationship with Jesus. It is so hard to admit but that is where I am at. It took stripping me of being able to do any physical activity for me to figure this out. Part of me wants to be upset but the other part of me wants to passionately run after God. That part of me wants to bow at his feet and just be still in his presence.

I hate writing things I am going to do for the new year because they just end up being a list that never gets done...but this next year, starting today...my one goal is to just sit at Jesus feet.

Bedrest and Pregnancy*

These past few days have been crazy. I woke up on Sunday morning bleeding and cramping. That is a sign of a miscarriage. I went through the whole day sure of the fact that we had lost our baby and she was with Jesus. Yes, I think it's a girl. (we will see as time will tell) We prayed about it and released her to Jesus. I had a peace about it and knew it was going to be okay. We went to the family doctor on Monday and she did an ultrasound. Thankfully, there was a heartbeat! Everything was back to normal, although I felt a little confused as I really was convinced that the baby went to be with Jesus. It was definitely an emotional day. Tuesday everything was back to normal and the bleeding had stopped. Wednesday, today, started out normal then all of the sudden I started cramping again and there was more blood then Monday. It really scared me. I thought okay this is it, we really are going to miscarry. I got an appointment with the OBGYN. I wasn't nervous, just unsure with the news we were about it get. The dr. did another ultrasound and the baby was fine, there was a heartbeat, and all was well. Except there was a large blood sac on the outside of the baby sac. So it doesn't directly affect the baby but it is known as a "threatened miscarriage" or an extra choronic bleeding. The doctor's analogy that he gave us was, "it's like putting up wallpaper and then half of it coming down". Ya, still not quite understanding but he wasn't too worried. He put me on bedrest until the new year. I can't exercise (so there goes the half marathon) pick up anything heavy, work or do the "deed" (hehe). This was not in my plan...not at all. I don't even have my christmas shopping done!!!! The last thing I want to hear is that I cannot do anything. I hate just sitting there and not be able to do anything. Especially because I do deal with depression a little and the less active I am the more the depression comes on. I honestly am a little afraid of my mood turning into a not so happy one but I am going to make the most of it. I guess this will be a good refresher and a little reatreat to get to know Jesus again and hangout with Him all the time. I won't be able to be busy...which is good and bad.
God has it all in control. Even the dr told us that we can't control what is going on in my body, only God can. So it's God's and I will rest because that is the best for this new baby!

New adventures*

Our life is always filled with new things which is what we've always prayed for. We don't want to live a mediocre life that is filled with repetition...being stuck on the couch and being lazy. Even though those days are quite nice sometimes. :) We are in escrow for a house that is unique and fits our family personality. I am so excited to move into our own place! I am also excited that we will be filling that house up pretty quickly. We've recently found out about a precious surprise that is on it's way. Yup, that's right...baby number 2 will be here in August! I an really excited because I have always wanted my kids to be close in age but I am a little confused with where God is taking us. I had the next few months all planned out in my head...but God had other plans (better ones). It's funny that I even let myself believe that what I planned for our lives was really going to happen. Oh ya God is in control...all the time, everyday. And I am perfectly content resting in that fact that God is taking care of me. :) It's tough trusting Him at times because I can't see the outcome but I have so much peace with not knowing and just trusting. :)

Some people might think we are crazy because we are having kids close in age but we are just being fruitful and multiplying ;)...you know like God told us to. Haha... I'm am so excited to be a mommy of 2 and eventually a mommy of so many more whether biological or foster or adopted. I am excited to hangout with this new little one that is growing inside of me. I am excited for Micah to be the best biggest brother and for our little family to grow. :)
God is up to something and it makes me smile!