Yesterday we went in for another Dr's appointment. I was super excited because I thought for sure this blood thing was going to be gone or significantly smaller...I had my hopes up high! They did another ultrasound and the Dr didn't seem impressed. The baby looked great but there was blood throughout the whole picture. The baby is inside the placenta and the placenta is attached to the uterus, wherever the placenta wasn't attached, there was blood. It was a little concerning to me to say the least, especially going into the appointment thinking this was going to be done and over with. The Dr said he is going to refer me to a specialist and to keep taking it easy. He said that we could still loose the baby but that he was optimistic about it. I am back at work now, but my job doesn't consist of alot of walking around. I sit and give people money with occasional trips to the bathroom. The Dr said that working won't do any harm. He also said that this is out of our control and if we happen to loose the baby it is nothing that I have done wrong. There is nothing that I can or can't do to make this situation better or worse. We left the office and we got in the car...I started to cry because I felt so confused. I was so sure of myself that I would be able to get my "normal" life back, with no restrictions and a "normal" pregnancy.
I am grateful that everything is great with the baby. There is no abnormalities and her heartbeat is strong. We went back home and thankfully big brother feel asleep, so Shelden listened to my concerns and my thoughts, we put on some worship and a peace did come. I realized yesterday that I haven't allowed myself to become emotionally attached to this new little baby growing inside of me. I don't want to get hurt and I am living as if the worst is going to happen. Unfortunately, I am really good at guarding my heart in all types of relationships...so this situation is no different. I was able to talk to our Pastor's wife...who last year had to deal with her baby pass away at only 6 months old. She is wise at a young age and understands the frustration and confusion I have been feeling. She asked me if I was allowing myself to be emotionally attached to this baby and if I am guarding myself from getting hurt. I admitted it out loud that I am guarding my heart. She challenged me to be vulnerable to getting hurt and loving this little baby growing inside of me. She said I would be robbing myself of something if I don't let myself be vulnerable no matter the outcome. God has something greater than me in all of this.
Reading Hebrews 11...the famous "faith" chapter. "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance." (v.13) They saw the greater purpose even though it meant they didn't get to see it come about. If that's not glorifying to God, I don't know what is. It didn't make sense back then, in the moment for Noah to build an ark when there has never been rain. In the moment, it never really makes sense, except for because that would mean obedience to God.
I have to keep my head up, not hiding my emotions in pride but in humble acceptance of this is what God is doing in our lives. I can't see the purpose but my obedience will affect the next generation. And that is the faith that God wants me to have.
