Friday*

My little man is 5 weeks old today! Everyone says he is so small but I think he is huge! He has the longest little legs :) They are so cute! Every Friday I remember when we went to the hospital and got ready for Micah to come into this world. I remember freaking out because we were actually having a baby! I remember the song that was on when I was pushing and it's funny because I am listening to it right now...but having worship on while I was in labor and giving birth really helped calm me down and give me a peace to concentrate on getting him out safely. I was so overwhelmed with emotions as the nurse told me it was time to push. I couldn't believe that this thing in my belly was going to be in the world as a little human being that we were going to be responsible for. It makes me so happy to look back on. I love this little guy so much!

This weekend my parents are out of town and we have the house all to ourselves. :) It will be interesting because I get to take care of the little man by myself. My parents have been helping out since he has been born. They have been giving us breaks by taking care of him from time to time so we could get a nap in or just take a much needed break. But this weekend they are gone... hmmm....I hope I don't go crazy! just kidding. It will be nice to play momma all the time. It will be tiring as it has been but I love taking care of my little baby. He is starting to smile alot more now....it makes my heart melt! He isn't smiling as a response but his little facial expressions are developing. It's so stinkin cute. I am excited to see him grow into himself and learn how to crawl and walk, ect.

I feel so blessed to have Micah!

i couldn't find the exact song online that i was listening to when i was pushing but this is the album. Be Lifted High. Brian and Jenn Johnson with Bethel Church. It is a great worship CD. I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend it! I probably listen to it way too much...but who can get too much worship? :)

Today*

Today me and the little man went on a walk to the store and browsed around. It was nice to get out of the house and enjoy the weather. It is easy for me to get stuck in a rut of getting up and being a lazy all day. Yes, sometimes I can't get out of my pajamas because Micah needs the attention but I need to take advantage of the opportunities that the day brings. I usually start to feel a little depressed if I stay in all day long. So taking a walk today was refreshing and made me feel motivated. :) This new journey of being a mom is tiring and humbling but it has brought amazing satisfaction and joy!

here's some recent photos :)

 Avila Beach Pier

 Daddy burping the little man

 Sleeps like daddy

must had been a hard night... :)

in Love*

It's crazy how much I love this little baby more and more everyday...
Sometimes I just watch him to see what he will do or what faces he will make.
I was thinking about it and this little boy doesn't give us anything back. We change his poopy diapers, listen to him cry and fuss, feed him just about every 2-3 hours and take care of his every need. But we don't get anything back from him. We don't expect anything back from him.We get the reward of knowing that he is safe and secure, loved and cared for. All we care about is that he gets what he needs no matter what it takes for us to do. We just love him and thats the way it is. Nothing will ever change that!

...then I got to thinking some more.
That's how God loves me.
He listens to me whine and fuss for no reason. He changes my poopy diapers so to speak, throws them out and waits for the next one to come. He feeds me on demand when I need it from him and takes care of everything for me. He doesn't care if He gets anything back, all he cares about is my wellbeing because I am His child.
Taking care of Micah everyday has given me a better perspective of how God views me. I still will never really understand how much God loves me but I am glad I can understand it a little bit better through loving Micah.

 waking up from a nap...he stretches arms as he wakes up, it's the cutest thing!

and now he is awake ready for a little food...like always!

Hope*

What does this word hope really mean? I was asking myself this the other day. I sing the songs that talk about God being my hope but what do I mean when I say that? Do I really live as God as my hope? What do I really hope in? I started to explore this word hope. The dictionary says that hope is to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence, to place trust. The keyword that stuck out to me was trust. And I know in my heart that I do not trust God. If I really trusted in God then my life would probably look a whole lot different. I wouldn't worry about the outcomes of situations, be as selfish as I am, or be disappointed in results. I came upon Proverbs 13:12

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

I realized that I do not put my hope in anything. For some reason my default is to not hope at all so in the end I won't feel disappointed or upset about the outcome. Like when I was in high school, I used to not try my hardest so when I failed I could say that I didn't give my 100% effort, thus meaning I was not a failure because I did not do my best. Such twisted thinking! I was really just setting myself up for failure! I went through high school not giving my best to anything. Just like now, I am realizing that I don't let myself get my hopes up so that I won't feel that disappointment later. When really I am setting myself up for disappointment because just like that verse says, not hoping in anything will only result in a broken heart.

I need to start putting my hope in the Lord. And to truly do it! Not just say that I hope in Him. Hoping in God is a flawless plan. God never disappoints! I will only be disappointed if I am looking to please my own desires. I am only disappointed if I have my own hidden agenda in the end results. There is freedom in knowing that I will never be disappointed. God will never disappoint! But the trick is I really have to TRUST him. I have to forget my wants, my will, my desires and strive for it's not about me mentality!

Easier said not done eh?

But I rather be living in freedom than living under the bond of continual disappointment. Why would I ever want to go back to not giving my best and setting myself up for failure? Funny when I think about it like that.

God is good :)

Peace Pilgrim*

Frustration brings on growth...I dislike that it works like this. Lately, I have been so frustrated with a certain situation and I know in my heart that I have to just push through it but my flesh doesn't want to. I find myself whining and complaining and justifying in my mind the frustration. And living in frustrating is really only making myself miserable. The feelings of frustration is the opportunity to grow, I can either hit the ceiling and bounce back to where I was at before and never grow or I can push through the ceiling and grow from that frustration. I don't want to ever go back to where I was before, I don't want to be a person that never becomes who God intends me to be because of a selfish moment of frustration. The thing is, I am frustrated because things aren't going my way, because people aren't acting the way I expect them to. How selfish is that? uggghhhhh!
Because my husband is ever so lovingly honest with me, he calls me out in my selfish thinking. Having those conversations really suck but in the end they are refreshing and help me get back on track. Praying through the situation and giving up unrealistic expectations has brought me to a place where I am no longer frustrated. Even though I still am hesitant to do what is the unselfish thing to do, I have decided that I will push through the ceiling. It's funny how God speaks to you at the moment you need to hear it, Pastor Rob prayed over the worship team about how the old ceiling will be the new floor. I automatically starting thinking about this situtation that I am struggling with and knew God was saying you need to push through this ceiling! This frustration ceiling that I am hitting will be the new floor of where I am going. Thank God for growth, even though it really sucks in the moment, it is so worth it in the end. And it's not worth it because there is a reward, sometimes we will never live to see the reward, it is worth it because it gives God glory.

I love the peace and joy God brings when I decided to push through...it's beautiful!

First Mama's Day*

Today is my first mothers day...I don't feel old enough to be a mama. But I am so proud to be a mama of a great son. I love him so much already and he doesn't have to do anything to make me love him any more than I already do. Being a mom for only two weeks has made me realize how amazing my parents are, how amazing any parents are for that matter. It is hard work taking care of a little one, and I know the fun is just barely beginning for me. It's crazy that this little baby depends on us for everything, he cannot do anything on his own, we need to be there for him. I love taking care of him and Shelden has been so great taking care of him! I feel bad because Shelden gets up more than I do to take care of Micah in the middle of the night. I figure I would hear him because I have those "mother instincts" but some nights I'm just so tired that I sleep right through it...oopsies! I tell Shelden to wake me up because he is the one who has to work during the day, but he is too nice and just lets me sleep. I definitely need to get up to take care of Micah more often...I am feeling the conviction as I type...yikes!
Sometimes I still am in awe that I am a mom. I can't believe God would allow me to be responsible for a child...haha just kidding but really! I need to step into that role of being a mother and put my whole heart into it. I really have no idea what I am doing or how to be a mom, but that is where I get to lean on God and look to him for answers. It is a whole new season of life and a new part of the road that I did not realize I would be on at this time in my life...but its so good! It definitely has been very difficult at moments but I have had some of the sweetest moments with my baby that have far surpassed the difficult ones. God is working on me and it is proving to be tough but that makes for the best times. I am excited to see how the relationship between me and Micah will develop. :)

Happy Mothers Day to all the mama's!

Shaken up*

This past week has been one of the hardest, most beautiful weeks. I went ahead with the epidural to keep my labor pains a little under control. I was going to try having a natural birth experience but once I was in the moment of laboring, I decided to get the pain medication. I am glad that I did the epidural but the side effects of it was horrible. The anaesthesiologist took a couple more pokes than normal and ended up going deeper than where the epidural needed to go. So there was a little hole made for the spinal fluid to leak, thus making my brain sag a little and creating horrible headaches. The headaches were so bad that I could not even sit up. I was laying down for the next 5 days, not able to take care of my precious new baby. It was wonderful to have my new baby in this world but I had to lay there while Shelden and my mom took shifts taking care of him. I started to get really upset when I couldn't breastfeed him because that is what I had plan to do. I had planned on coming home and taking care of him and being a "supermom". But everything was shaken up, everything that I had planned on and believed about our first week at home with our new baby was shaken up. I had no control over what was going on and I hated it. I cried as I watched him go off to his first doctors appointment while I was laying on the couch not able to get up. I realized that God was purging me of control. He was showing me that Micah is not mine, he is God's. We prayed all throughout my pregnancy that we would not hoard Micah but we would everyday give him over to God. I still pray that I would have this mindset as Micah grows up, that I would not think of Micah as mine but as God's. Whatever happens to him would be of God's plan, I don't want my own desires for Micah to get in the way of what God has purposed for him. After 5 days,I was able to get a procedure done called a blood patch. It is a quick fix for the spinal headaches where they take blood out of my arm and put it in my back close to where the epidural was injected. The blood then patches up the hole where the fluid is leaking, thus stopping the headaches. Thank God for this procedure! It took the headache away after a couple of hours! :)
But God is still working in me with my control issues. I never saw myself as a control freak but really when it comes down to it, I am selfish and want things my way which in essence is me trying to control things. It has been amazing getting to know my first son. He is beautiful and so darn adorable! God has really shaken me up this past week...I never expected it to be like this but it is growing me to be the person God intended.
:)

he likes to sleep alot...

my little boy!

MICAH**

Our sweet little baby is here!
April 22nd (Good Friday)
8:28am
7lbs 12oz
20 1/4in long

he was a little upset in this picture...I think he wanted to be put back inside his mama.